Thursday, 10 January 2013

Discovering fanfiction through The X-Files

Back in my Livejournal days I read a lot of fanfiction. 

Are you still with me?  

Not only did I discover some amazing fan writers but I also read a lot of stories that were so badly written that they were utterly hilarious. 

The bad fanfiction I found was written by people who a) couldn't spellcheck, b) embraced every romantic cliché known to mankind, c) liked to write a lot, and d) took it all very very seriously. 

And then came the best discovery I every made: badfic. This was a fanfic community committed to writing the very best kind of bad fanfiction. The kind that embraced the clichés with a knowing wink and wrote it for laughs. There was a site called 'Badfic - no biscuit', and I never could figure out where the biscuit part came from. I can't find it anymore (if you can please tell me where!), and the vast amount of badfic stories are lost to me. But they did inspire me to write my own using my first fandom, The X-Files

So, if you have even the most basic kind of X-Files knowledge, you may find my first badfic story amusing.

So here it is, the first badfic I wrote back in August 2006.

Badfic title: If only... 
Pairing: Mulder/Scully of course!
Rating: slightly adult (for a few 'f' words, suggestion of sex and mention of Mulder's porn fetish) 
Spoilers: Scully's incredibly fun abduction escapade, the bee incident... just the basic stuff

Before you read on, please be aware that this is written as badfic - i.e. intentionally bad fanfiction. It's written for laughs (well, it makes me laugh anyway) and is in no way a serious story in The X-Files verse. 

If only...

Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully sat alone in her nicely furnished one bedroom apartment. It was way after midnight and she still had to finish her report for Assistant Director Walter Skinner. She looked at the clock, 12.21 - she wondered why every time she checked the time it always said either 10.13 or 12.21…. Damn the home shopping network, she thought, as she drained the last drops of her Bacardi Breezer and switched off the TV. She went back to her computer and squinted at the fuzzy letters in front of her, then remembered that she needed glasses for typing. She started tapping erratically at the keyboard and somehow all the words on the screen made perfect sense. 

…..Having performed my autopsy on the victim I returned to Agent Mulder with my scientific findings. I explained the head trauma, internal bleeding and multiple stab wounds to the left buttock but Agent Mulder continued to speculate on his “psychic dwarf” theory. As he looked at me I felt my heart quicken and I was giddy with desire. He was wearing that dark t-shirt which really shows off his chest, and all I could think about was ripping it from his body and feeling his rippling muscles with my manicured fingers…. 

Scully stopped and re-read that last part. She blushed a little and scolded herself. She often had such thoughts about her partner but usually manages to keep them in check. She deleted everything after “psychic dwarf theory” and sighed. She often did that too; sitting alone in her nicely furnished one bedroom apartment where she lived alone. Sometimes she cried about him too, about how much he had suffered over the years. She felt his pain so deeply and got so angry at all the people who had hurt him that she often had to go out and beat up bad guys to make herself feel better. She also had something from Ann Summers which made her feel better too, but that was for times of intense frustration. 

Dana Katherine Scully looked out of her window (the one Duane Barry had smashed when he abducted her that time) and smiled, remembering when Duane Barry had abducted her that time. Nothing exciting had happened to her for ages. Apart from that cancer thing, which wasn’t really exciting at all. It had pissed her off more than anything. Then there was that bee incident, which was pretty cool. But she couldn’t remember that much of it, except for almost kissing Mulder in the hallway outside his apartment where he lived alone. They had come so close to crossing the line between UST and RST. "Damn that bee. Damn all the fucking bees..." she thought to herself for the forty-second time that day. Not that she spent all of her time wishing things were more physical with her partner. She was a very busy lady, a doctor too, and there was always an autopsy to fill her day. But somehow her thoughts always drifted back to Fox Mulder. She stared out of her window again, half wishing Duane Barry would stop by and add a little excitement to her life (she had forgotten he was dead), and wondered what her partner was doing right now. "Could he be thinking of me too?" she thought. 

Special Agent Fox Mulder sat alone in his badly furnished one bedroom apartment. It was way after midnight and he was watching porn. 

He may or may not have been thinking about Scully.



  1. Replies
    1. I remember writing quite a few badfic stories, just can't find them all!

  2. I have now officially discovered badfics. Loved your story, very funny.

    1. Thanks for reading! I'm glad I've introduced you to Badfic, and also feel like I should apologise.


Please keep it clean!

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